A friend of mine
is having some marriage problems. His
wife admitted to having an affair a few
months ago. I suppose
I should change their names to protect their identities. Let me call him John and her Christina. It's not a big surprise that this happened,
in fact it was predicted from the very beginning. So why am I going to write about it? I don't know, perhaps simply because it's on
my mind. One thing I do find interesting
about the situation is the way that everyone involved and everyone around the
situation has perceived and reacted to it.
In my own case, I have been a close friend with John for over 25 years. So, I cannot say that my own perceptions are
not biased. However, they are quite
different fro John's. Before I become
involved in this that John and Christina have two young daughters. This of course complicated the matter
severely.
Just to give you
a little background on the, they have been married about six years. They met in a small local Irish pub, John
started dating her best friend. This did
not work out, and about afterwards Christina was pregnant with their first
daughter. John now works in the computer
industry and Christina is a homemaker and full-time mother with two young
daughters. Although, they are making
good money right now, the couple filed for bankruptcy after they first
married. This was because both of them
had large credit card billy from various personal expenditures. Anyway disregarding advice from family and
friends on both sides the couple still married.
It seemed to me that they were happy for a time and even now still have
flashes of that happiness. This may be
because John and Christina have tried to keep the illusion of happiness for
others as much as for themselves. Other
people's perceptions are very important to them.
Unfortunately for
them their charade is known to almost all of their friends. The man who Christina had her affair with was
on John's and my dart team. After John
had become suspicious of what was going on, this man (I'll call him Dick) left
the team. Dick is friends with most of
the team. Even after the other members
found out what was suspected, some of them refuse to believe without
proof. Although it annoys me, I can find
no fault with their actions. They simply
wish to take no side, and avoided being entangled within this web. However, in doing this they have chosen a
side. It seems to me that once a thing
like this has happened there is nothing you can do to avoid it.
We had an
incident just last week, when Dick showed up at our dart games. I believe that
other members of the team were less than discouraging to him. I understand that they are still friends,
however, I think it is rude behavior to allow John and Dick to be in the same
place. If you're going to be friendly
with both of them I think it is only common courtesy to try and keep them
separated. One member in particular
(Bridget) went to ask Dick if he was going to play when I stopped her. I did this for a number of reasons, mostly
because John had just finished telling the team captain that if Dick played he
would quit the team. I was informed
later on that my actions had angered Bridget
She said I had no right to stop her from doing anything. I think she's right, and I felt very
uncomfortable in stopping her. But,
don't you have to take a stand for what you believe is right. She is friends with everyone involved
including myself. She has also stated
that while friends with Dick, she has done nothing to encourage him from coming
to the games. For myself, I think asking
Dick if he's going to play is encouragement enough.
I do not know the
reasons why Christina did what she did.
I suspect she did it to get a reaction out of John. To make him angry, and force him to do
something. Either end the relationship,
making him the bad-guy, or fight for her.
I don't suspect I'll ever be let in on her reasoning. We don't have that kind of relationship. I am her husband's friend, a pseudo-uncle to
her children. Someone to have over for
dinner, at the children's parties, or other social gatherings. She and I do not discuss things of a personal
nature. There is only small talk, about
the kids school, upcoming events, and so on.
John and I have discussed the situation at length. He has stated time and again that he cannot
and will not get a divorce because he will lose his children. I am not convinced that this is the main
reason for not doing anything. Because,
that is exactly what he is doing, nothing.
He and Christina pretend that nothing is wrong.
Another friend of
mine thinks that the reason John will not take a stand is because he does not
want to look like a failure. O f course,
living in a failed marriage is failure enough, wouldn't you agree? My roommate likes to point out that family is
very important to John. Coming from a big
family with two brothers and two sisters John does not want to be alone
now. For myself I understand all of
these reasons. They all make a lot of
sense however, I don't think I could sit and do nothing. Not having children, or even being married, I
can't say what I would do. I would like
to think that I would take some kind of action.
I can't believe that the course they have chosen is good for themselves
and their children. I know I would like
to take up the battle for my friend and put Dick in the hospital. But I know it is also not my battle to fight.
One last thought
many people were hurt in the making of this story.
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