THE FORMULA – Humor Writing

      The bar my friend John and I find ourselves find ourselves in tonight is pretty much like so many others I've seen.  Even up here in Maine, where we're vacationing these places are all the same.  There's an oak bar against one wall.  All the walls have a pine paneling, which are covered with pictures.  There's a jukebox and a pool table in the back.  The folks are just regular folks, they look comfortable and secure here with their friends.   The women are always beautiful and the locals never realize it because they see them all the time.

     We hadn't been there very long when John spotted a particularly leggy blonde at the bar.  She was with some friends, but they had gone off to play pool in the back.  This was the opening John had been waiting for.  He was off like a Flash.

     “Hi my name's John Philip Sutton.  Perhaps you've heard of me, I produce films”.

     The opening line is always the same.  God only knows how or why it works, but every where we've ever gone its worked.  I think it's corny as hell, but then again he's not the one who's going home alone tonight.

     “A film producer really, wow that's so exciting.  My name's Annie.  So, what brings you here?”

     It's the typical response.  What brings you here to Hicksville, and you see the glimmer of hope in their eyes.  The question that they're asking is, are you really going to take me away, are you really my Prince Charming?

     There's is a slight resistance here, at this stage of the game.  She still has some personal power and self-respect, but that will soon change.  You see it in the little things that she'll do.  The controlling way she flips her hair to flirt, or the way she expects John to buy her drinks.  She believes that since John came up to her, she's in control.

     “You know I've got to tell you, you'd be perfect for one of my up-coming films.  I mean you just have that look to you”.

     This is the rub, the hook line, whatever you want to call it.  This is the line that gets them.  You can see it in there actions.  They do that little hair wave they think is so cute.  They arch their back in order to get two or three more inches out of their chest.  They're just trying to put that little extra touch on they think will finish him off.  Fat chance.

    “Do you really thing I'd be right for you're next movie”?

     The mistake made here is asking for approval after it has already been given.  Instead of playing like there not interested, they bite on the line and all John has to do is reel them in.

    “Well, all I can say is you have the look.  If you're interested maybe we should get together and see how good you are”.

     Gee, I wonder, can anyone else see the double meaning in this line?”

     Occasionally, the woman it's being used on can, but they never seem to mind.  Take this woman Annie for example.  Not only does she get it, but she's already undone two of the button's on her blouse trying to show some more cleavage.  And, by the way her back is so arched I'm surprised her spine hasn't snapped.

     “Baby I'm the best”.

     There's modesty for ya.  A woman with real moral fiber.

     “So lets go then”.

     And they're off.  It's just that simple.

     I know what you're thinking: how come I don't follow this formula?  Well, I'm not sure, I guess it all boils down to I wouldn't want any woman who would fall for something like this.  Of course, I'll be sleeping alone tonight, and John's gonna come back with a story tomorrow.  I hope at least some of it's made up, but I doubt it,